During a recent Body Celebration Workshop, a woman said proudly that she had finally proved to herself that she had will power. I'm sure she expected many kudos for this accomplishment, but my first inclination was to cringe. It was another example of how twisted our self-esteem can get as a result of the media messages about the glories of "self-control" (i.e., if you don't have it, you are a slob). Her self-esteem was founded on rocky ground, however; all it would take was one moment of allowing herself the pleasure of whatever it was she was depriving herself of, and there she'd be, back in the pit of failure and self-doubt.

The concept of will power as it relates to eating is usually about dieting. Dieting is usually about deprivation. And deprivation is usually a symptom of discontent. So, already we are starting from a place of low self-esteem and unhappiness, probably built on a foundation of previous "failures." The term "will power" sets up the "good" and "bad" dualism that we humans are so fond of. We label things as good or bad so we can measure ourselves against them and thereby determine our worthiness (or more often, other people's worthiness). In this case, whether we are "healthy."

I believe that health is not determined by size, nor is it based on deprivation. In fact, the deprivation requirement is what forces the failure of most diets. We humans are strongly drawn to that which we are told we cannot have. I believe that if it wasn't drilled into us as children that sex is bad and to be avoided, most of us wouldn't have such trouble avoiding it. And then when we did decide to engage, it would be a fulfilling and wonderful experience, rather than one based on guilt and shame. The same is true with diets, which are completely based on deprivation. There are "good" and "bad" foods, and you are "good" or "bad" depending on which of them you eat. This results in guilt and shame when your natural cravings succumb to something "bad."

When you make foods good or bad, you end up making people good or bad just by what they eat. Guilt and shame are built in from the beginning of the word "diet," so how can it ever really lead you to a place of true self-love. Food is a natural comfort and necessary for survival. It is also a strong social tool, and being on a diet can severely encumber one's ability to socialize and bond with other people. You begin to bond only with others who are unhappy with themselves as well, and that cannot bring true self-love.

As usual, this culture has the cart before the horse. One cannot diet themselves to self-love. One must achieve self-love first, and then decisions about everything are made from a place of self-care, whether it's about food or sex or relationships. It no longer requires "will power." Decisions are no longer based on your ego's desire to have what it is told it cannot have. Decisions are based on a spiritual understanding of who you are and what you and your body need. Decisions are made based on choice, not on deprivation.

Will power denotes deprivation and guilt; self-care is about self-love and integrity. As long as everything you do with, put into, and say to your body is about self-care and self-love, then I say go for it. But if it's about proving you have control in your life, or proving you are capable of depriving yourself (and thus living up to that which the culture demands from you), then I say there are emotional elements at work that need to be confronted. I find that I feel better about putting healthy things in my body because I know that internally my body is working better, and I will be able to live a longer and freer life with more energy. I feel good knowing that I am capable of choosing for myself with love and nurturance, and not out of some perverse sense of obligation the culture has imposed on me. It's about finally finding my capacity for honoring my body and respecting her needs. I don't read labels for their calorie counts and serving sizes, but rather to see if they are organic or free range. I don't allow myself only certain foods at certain times of the day. The idea of waiting until dinner for the "good" stuff is all about being rewarded for your ability to deprive yourself. It also sets you up to feel like a failure if you don't follow the rules. That is not about self-care. That is about self-loathing.

All diets are about self-loathing. A change in your diet, i.e., deciding to eat vegetables on a more regular basis, or switching to organic yogurt, or trading in cow milk for soy milk, is different than being on a diet. The goal of being on a diet is losing a certain amount of weight in a certain amount of time, and then returning to a different way of eating. A change in your diet is made for the long-term and becomes part of your nutritional, self-loving self-care. I find myself craving zucchini with as much anticipation as I do chocolate. And both taste all the more marvelous for having been freely chosen.

You don't have to be on a diet to be healthy; you don't have to deprive yourself of anything in order to eat well. The concept of will power has distracted us from listening to what our bodies truly need. We must have faith in the inner wisdom which results from true self-love and naturally results in self-care.