I would like to share an experience of mine, one of which I would say has been one of the difficult aspects of my life that I have had to deal with. This experience has been at the centre of my life and is something I have lived with for almost 5 years. My experience was having an eating disorder. 

Eating disorders exist in many forms, for example compulsive over eating, anorexia and bulimia. These are the typical forms and I have chosen to give these examples as in my case because these were characteristic of my own eating disorder.

You might be someone who hasn?t heard or understood much about what an eating disorder really is. That seems to be true for many people. I have reached the conclusion after what I have experienced through having had an eating disorder that most people do not really understand just what it is all about! Whether it is your doctor, psychologist, your parents or friends and even yourself, the fact remains that most of us do not understand the cause and effects, both physically and psychologically, of this condition.

There are many factors involved in eating disorders and from all of which I have come to learn and understand from my own experience with this, I can tell you right now, one article is not nearly enough to cover even one of these factors in full. It is for this reason that I intend writing many more articles on this subject, touching on different aspects and hopefully this will help other people who either have, or know someone else who has an eating disorder.

The reason why I have decided to share the details about my experience is mainly for two reasons. First of all, sharing the experience is my own way of release, closure and ?letting go? of the experience. Also, as I mentioned before, I would like to help other people who have to live with this condition. 

I have managed to recover from having an eating disorder and it was not an easy task. However, I did succeed and it has been almost a year since my last episode. Many months were spent trying to adapt my life, body and mind into a ?normal? way of functioning. This was almost as difficult as dealing with the eating disorder itself, but it was a very important part of the healing process. It is a critical time where you have to have patience, courage and endurance to see it through.

I received no medical assistance to help me, although I did try on occasion. One doctor told me it was my own fault and that it was a cry for attention. He was pretty harsh and to be honest, I already knew that a one way I was crying out for help. However, I went to him for help, not for a critical analysis. I even went to an eating disorder centre in a hospital for a few months to participate in a survey about the condition of people who have or have had bulimia. They told me that bulimia is for life. It was not the first time I have heard but I refused to accept it! It seemed that the more I looked for help, the more I realized that I knew more about what was going on with me than the ones who were supposed to help me did, and quickly gave up the idea of having professional help. I managed to overcome my problem, in my way because I wanted to and was determined to do it.

Recovery is never impossible if you have a strong will and the determination required to heal yourself. Knowing you are on the road to seriously damaging your health even possibly killing yourself should be enough of an incentive for anyone. It is time to wake up and face the harsh reality about eating disorders.

As I mentioned before, I was told that an eating disorder is something that a person will have for the rest of their life. That was told to me by a student psychotherapist who was training to specialize in eating disorders. It doesn?t seem encouraging to me to hear that the ones who are supposed to provide the help do not even believe in recovery themselves. Not very promising for the future of eating disorder patients is it? If their therapist doesn?t believe in recovery how can they?

So what?s my verdict? Well yes, if you allow yourself to believe that you are going to have an eating disorder forever then you will. In order to recover, you have to be the one who wants to recover. You won?t just wake up one day and it will magically disappear. Also, you don?t have to live in a state of powerlessness, believing you are going to be a victim of this condition forever because if you do, then that is what you are accepting as your life reality. I healed myself from this, and it was not easy, but I did it and so can you, but only if you want to.

There is no excuse for not dealing with our problems, regardless of how bad they seem. There is always a solution and all it takes is strength, courage, will and determination. Even if you don?t know how to do what you are doing, if you really want to change, then help will show up and eventually you will get there. However, you must be determined to heal yourself and realize why you are going through with the process of healing in the first place. So why are you doing it? For you of course! Because you deserve to live the best, healthiest, happiest and fulfilling life that you possibly can. That is your birth right after all!

For any of you who know me who are reading this and are in a state of shock and saying ?I never knew Ashleigh to be this way, being bulimic? It can?t be!? Well, all I can say is it is a fact and of course, you wouldn?t have ever known until now. That is the whole point of an eating disorder; it is your best kept secret. Even if people in your environment are suspicious of you having an eating disorder, they will never know the truth unless of course you decide to tell them. But from what I know, voluntarily telling someone is not common, because that separates you from the secret and brings you closer to recovery. Recovery is not always what a person with an eating disorder wants, even if they tell you they do.

I intend going deeper into this subject in future articles, using my own experience and the example. Until next time, please think about you, your life and where you stand with all of that. The one thing I have learnt from all of my experiences is who I really am and the true value of being me. The same goes for everyone else, if we cannot learn to love ourselves for all of who and what we are inside and out, then how can we possibly ever be happy in life even under the best of circumstances?

Yours in Light