Not to be morbid, but a lot has happened since my last article In Sickness and In Health. No sooner did I hit send then did I discover my beloved cat Clara's health was taking a quick turn for the worse. She has been my most constant companion for the last 13 years and suddenly I realized she was not going to be around for much longer. So here I am with a sick little animal, trying to recall what exactly I wrote about being there in sickness and in health - not to mention death.
Once my immediate state of shock settled down somewhat I tried to adapt what I knew about caring for humans - to cats. How does one do that exactly? A trusted friend advised me that my cat lived in a state of grace with me because she has such enormous affection for me, and that the best thing I could do would be to return that affection to the end. Not change a thing in other words.
It's not easy to walk around the house and feel like nothing's changed when a cherished being is getting ready to return to the source. It's very much a rollercoaster of love / death / love / death... But if you have a sliver of slightly dark humour and a healthy sense of detachment there is always some humour somewhere to fall back on.
I had a moment of panic where I thought it might be best to put dear Clara to sleep, earlier rather than later. I was uncertain about what to do and had a very bad feeling in the gut of my stomach. She hadn't moved all day and had been sitting watching me for the better part of an hour while doubts about what was best to do were zinging through my brain. I got up to feed her brother, and when I turned back around to put the dish on the floor, who was sitting there gazing up at me but Clara! Some people accuse me of having a dry sense of humour, but Clara gave me a look of admonition that said: "So, you've still got to feed him I suppose?" Clara hasn't been eating but she hasn't cut down on her wit! Needless to say, I picked her up and she roared a purr into my ear. No, she is going to stay here with me, right to the end, if it's meant to be.
The best times are when we can just have a laugh, like old times. She has always had a special way of talking to me with her tail and recently her tail has been sharing many funny stories with me. When I ask it questions it swishes back and forth with a ferocity that belies her fading frame. We can talk for a long, long time and giggle and purr away. Love may move mountains, but you should see what it does to the tip of Clara's tail.
I must confess that I have a fear of letting go of a loved one; I've done it before and for sure I will do it many, many times again. It's hard to let life follow its natural and mysterious course and always be reminded of the temporariness of everything. I wish some things were forever. And in some way I feel comforted that they are. It's just this physical life that is so temporary, and something to be celebrated every changing moment that you can.
