How can I know for sure if I’m making the right decision when it comes to choosing between my marriage and my mental health and self-esteem?
I think you already know the answer to your question, but you may feel afraid of honoring your truth and taking a step in a life-enhancing direction because it feels scary to move out of your comfort zone.
You have two choices. One is to continue living with insanity and low self-esteem; the other is to stop sacrificing your self, your mental health, and your self-worth for another.
If you are being harmed by emotional or mental abuse, the only life-enhancing choice, the only choice that will allow you to feel whole, radiant, and supremely confident is to honor your real feelings, no matter how scary this might feel, and to move in the direction you know deep inside is for your highest good. The alternative is to live in misery. I hope that you find the courage to choose self-truth, and follow what you know in your heart is for your highest good so that you can come back into wholeness. The fear will pass once you take the initial steps. Then the fear will be behind you, and you will begin to shine.
I want to know more about spirituality. It has affected my life deeply, and I want to have a deeper understanding of what it is all about. Are there any good places other than church to learn about this?
Ironically, Unity Church can help you learn about spirituality. Unity Church is entirely spiritual. Without dogma, Unity embraces every person’s religious and spiritual path, and teaches much about spirituality, manifestation, and how you are truly connected to God.
You can also go to spiritual conferences, where you can attend seminars given by authors of books about spirituality. There are all kinds of retreats, some held in one location and some that travel to sacred sites, that are wide in scope and offer many different spiritual paths to select from. I suggest following what feels right for you when you read about it. You can learn about many retreats online. Also, you can listen to live tele-seminars about spirituality (I give them all the time), ask questions, and receive personal answers.
And you can read books about the areas of spirituality that interest you, to gain greater understanding. Go with what you feel drawn to; on a soul level, this is moving you in the direction of greater spiritual growth.
Spirituality resides in only one place: in your heart. It’s really not out there; it’s all inside. As long as you follow the truth in your heart, you will be moving in the right direction. But the resources I’ve mentioned can always benefit you, as they still benefit me.
It’s said that you shouldn’t fall in love with the potential of a person; that if you look hard enough, you can see the God in everyone; and that if you work on your own stuff, you can bring out the best in the other person and help him realize the God in himself. At this point, I don’t know whether it’s best if my partner and I separate or not. We have a four-year-old daughter, which makes it a more difficult decision. As soon as I decide to leave because the relationship is so deeply unsatisfying, he improves for a while. And I don’t think it’s okay to leave while there is a possibility. I have seen him in his full God-potential, which makes it even harder. But the improvement soon fades, and I get impatient with him and hard on myself for not being together enough to bring out the God in him. It’s a self-perpetuating nightmare. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don’t. It’s exacerbated by the fact that if I left, he would be absolutely devastated. While I know I’m not responsible for him, I do feel we have a duty of care to others. Am I wanting him to be something he doesn’t want to be, or isn’t ready to be? Please help me with my confusion!
I went through much of what you are going through. If your partner is not taking personal responsibility to work on his own growth, to work on the relationship—not just by acting like a good boy for a few weeks but with a sincere desire to become the best partner he can be and as committed to the relationship as you are—then you are in love with potential, and it is a self-perpetuating nightmare! It hurts.
When you learn that your experiences are trying to get you to honor your real truth, you will move in the direction that is entirely life enhancing, set a positive example for your daughter, and attract a healthy partner who also honors his truth while honoring you and your daughter at the same time.
You can have a cordial and cooperative relationship with the father of your daughter, and share in parental responsibility with healthy communication for her sake. But at the same time you can get out of the chaos you have been living with, the chaos that makes you feel so deeply dissatisfied. Honor your feelings. What are they telling you?
If you have tried countless times to create positive change with your husband, and nothing is really changing, then please remember this: you can no more get strawberries from an apple tree than you can change another person.
He has to want to change and be as committed to the relationship as you are. If that is not happening despite all of your pleas, it most likely will not happen until you make a change.
I have heard first-hand accounts of people in similar situations who walked out of their relationships, got counseling, and whose former partners also went for counseling and did a complete about-face. They healed themselves, and they were reunited with the support of professional help, because they both took equal personal responsibility for their own growth. Then they were able to have a genuine relationship.
You must take the risk to honor your truth and follow through with actions before you can expect anything to change. Don’t make a move as a tactic to manipulate the other person. Make a move that reflects what your heart and soul really prefer. Then and only then will your confusion pass. Clarity will replace turmoil, and higher self-esteem will replace the deeply dissatisfied feelings you have been living with.
Where do I find myself and not feel guilty for putting myself first?
You can find yourself in only one place, and this is in your deepest heart. You can find yourself by listening to your real feelings about any matter or circumstance facing you. This is awakening to and discovering your truth. When you make it a habit to take time to notice how you feel, in the moment, you will find your true self. When you discover your true feelings and what you sense from others, you can follow what feels true and right for you in the moment, each moment that you are alive. This will strengthen you and build your sense of authentic self; then there will be no guilt in putting yourself first because it is only by listening to, honoring, and following your truth first—before the demands, responsibilities, or requests of others—that you will achieve inner peace.
Putting others before self is something I used to do when I was still a people pleaser; I put others first to feel validated by them and feel “good enough” by doing things that were asked of me even when I really didn’t feel like doing them. I felt insecure, stressed, overloaded, and taxed. I was not living the truth of simply saying no when something was asked of me. I was afraid of not looking good. Once I learned to do only what I preferred to do based on what felt right for me, it became a lot easier to follow my truth and to put that truth first, ahead of the expectations I thought I had to fulfill in order to please others.
Sometimes we do have obligations, such as parenting or being there for a sick relative, obligations that might call for us to be there during a time of need. I feel this is important to honor, even if it might be overloading or inconvenient at certain times. For example, you cannot tell your children that you don’t feel like driving them to school or baseball practice; that would be child neglect. There is a difference between honoring your obligations and acceding to unnecessary requests from others.
The guilt comes from not feeling worthy as you are now, and wanting the approval of others. I certainly lived this way for many years until I learned that no one outside of me can validate me or cause me to feel more worthy. This is an inside job for me, for you, and for all other human beings.
In terms of putting yourself first, do only that which you feel inspired, excited, and passionate about. If you are not excited about it, do not do it. You do not owe people explanations. You can merely say that you are not available to do such-and-such.
That is all you need to say. Moreover, you are not responsible for the reactions other people have. Simply go within, notice how you really feel about the situation, and follow that. Once you get into the habit of living this way, which is living your truth, the guilt that you have been feeling will begin to dissipate. Eventually, when you live and do only what feels true to you, the guilt will no longer exist.
How do I let go of worrying way too much about what people think about me, the way I live my life, what I say, how I look, and all?
This is actually a lot simpler than you may realize. First, what other people think comes solely and completely from their own perceptions, and there are as many different perceptions as there are people. How could you possibly please everyone? You cannot. For example, suppose you change the color of your hair and ask ten people to tell you what they think of the new color. Five may love it. Three may think your hair looked better before. And two may think it should be an entirely different color. Would you change your hair color to match the personal preferences of the other people? If you did, you would drive yourself crazy, not to mention causing a lot of wear and tear on your hair!
You are the one who has to be pleased, not the other people. You have to live your life the way it suits you, and you alone. If other people do not like it (so long as you are causing no harm to others, which I am sure you are not), then they will have to deal with their own feelings. You are not responsible for how other people think and feel about the way you live, worship, speak, or behave.
Many years ago I used to twist myself into whatever form would please others. When I met a man who liked brunettes, I changed my naturally blonde hair color to dark brown. Then I felt as if that wasn’t the real me, and the change didn’t cause him to show interest in me anyway, so I went back to blonde. When I met a man who loved country music, I went to a music store and bought about ten country music cassettes (CDs hadn’t been invented yet). That relationship didn’t last more than three months. The only reason I am sharing this with you is to show you that I finally learned my lesson. I learned that I had to listen to the music I liked. I had to find the courage to stick with being an author when relatives told me to “get a real job.” I had to find my truth, and so do you. Once I began to pay attention to my truth and follow it, my self-esteem started to skyrocket. I stopped worrying about pleasing other people to gain their acceptance and approval; instead, I began to live my truth and share authentically. Can I please everyone? Of course not. When we learn that we are all in this life to be and express our genuine selves, that life is about the joy we feel as a result of our being and expressing, we stop worrying so much about what other people think because it is completely beyond our control. Moreover, once you become your own best friend, by living and following what feels true and right to you, you will start to feel a lot more confident and a lot less concerned about the reactions of others.
The life purpose of some people is to rock the boat. People like Nelson Mandela, who was imprisoned for speaking out to end apartheid. Following his truth to see all people treated equally regardless of their skin color was more important to him than the popular opinion of those who ruled his country at the time.
My personal rule of thumb is to not concern myself with what other people think of me. My only concern is that my motives are pure and that I am making a difference from my heart.
As long as you live purely from the heart and follow your truth on all levels of your life, your self-confidence will continue to strengthen. You will eventually reach the point of accepting that people have their own perspectives, they are entitled to those perspectives, and it is not your responsibility to try to control them. Your only responsibility is to live your truth. This will keep you rock solid in your self-confidence and self-worth for the rest of your life.
Partial Chapter excerpt © Copyright by Barbara Rose, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Re-Printed with permission from Know Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Wholeness, Radiance & Supreme Confidence. Published by The Rose Group (January 10, 2005) ISBN: 0974145742 Available on Amazon.Com and through New Leaf Distributors
