It is true that children really are the best teachers! As my 1 year old son (who is sitting in his high chair) suddenly reaches out toward me with a sauce covered hand, grabbing at the only part of my brand new gleaming white, faux jewel embellished tank top that is not covered and protected by ‘my not-so-trusty’ apron, I let out a sign of despair as yet again, I am forced into a situation where I have to be considerate, compassionate, understanding, patient, surrender, and of course, unattached…this time to my trendy new top that made me look and feel so fabulous!

The saucy hand print might come out in the wash, then again, it might not, that we will have to wait and see! All I can do now to stop myself from going insane with frustration is to just stop, take a deep breath, accept what happened, surrender to the situation and whatever the outcome may be and let go of the attachment to the tank top, because in the end it is just a piece of cloth that really doesn’t define who I am inside or what I stand for in life. After all, my son is too young to know any better, he was just trying to communicate his needs to me. He didn’t mean to ruin my shirt so I forgive him of course, because that’s what mothers do!

Before my son was even conceived, he has been teaching me about one of the most important elements of any yoga practice, non-attachment. After my husband and I made the decision to have a child, of course, like any other couple, we tried everything possible to make that happen! We tried the recording the temperature thing, monitoring cervical mucus, we changed our diets, took vitamin and mineral supplements, my husband changed his style of underwear and the temperature of the water during his morning shower (sperm is said to thrive in cooler temperatures), we even went for fertility testing, that resulted in things being healthy and normal. Anyway, you name it, we did it, yet there was still no baby in sight!

Being the perfectionist and control freak that I was then (I am only slightly now!), of course I wanted the pregnancy to happen immediately. I honestly thought it would be a piece of cake getting pregnant because I was so used to making the things that I wanted in life to happen, happen. This time I was in for a shock!

My husband and I tried for around 2 years and there was still no pregnancy. Of course by that time I was totally and utterly devastated. I felt like a failure of a woman because I seemed to be unable to produce a child. My days and nights became consumed with the idea of having children to the point that I felt that if I could not have a baby then my life would lot be worth living. Being pregnant and mothering a child was all I ever thought about, I was obsessed! Whenever I saw another pregnant woman or a woman with a baby in the street I would feel jealous and burst into tears because I felt so sad. I also felt really lonely at that time because I felt that everyone in the world had a baby except me and that no-one knew or understood how I felt. It was such a sad and lonely place to be in.

I eventually reached the point where I was on the verge of depression, and reminded myself gently that with the level of knowledge and awareness I had, and in terms of the extent of my spiritual and yoga practices, I really ought to know better than to let myself get to the point I was. I wasn’t judging myself here however, I was simply facing the facts and taking a reality check by saying to myself “Ok, so you are here, fine, now what are you going to do about it?”

I decided to delve more deeply into my Yoga practice. I wanted to try to identify where all of this pain and misery was coming from and find a way of resolving it within myself so that I could live happily again. So far happiness was totally dependant on the condition of having a baby and that obviously wasn’t working for me as no matter how much I yearned, longed, cried and prayed there was still no baby. I had to try something new and my Yoga mat was the perfect place to begin.  

I made the commitment of practicing yoga postures and meditation twice a day, once in the morning when I woke up, and once in the evening. Sometimes I felt like I wasn’t in the mood to do it, but once I got into it, I felt great. As I moved through my practice, I focused my attention and intention on my opening my heart chakra. I worked with postures that would open this centre and allow me to really get inside and see what was at the source of the heart break I felt because I hadn’t fallen pregnant.

Day by day my practice became more of a meditation than a physical exercise and I was able to access different thoughts, feelings and emotions that were all connected with my desire to be a mother. After a couple of months of serious practice, I eventually I had an ‘a-ha’ moment where it all became clear to me as to why I had the need to be a mother, and what it was that was missing from my life that made me feel that I needed to define, fulfill and complete myself through mothering a child. In my mind’s eye, I saw an image of the most beautiful beach you could ever dream of where the waves of the sea were ebbing and flowing against the sandy shore. Then in my consciousness, I heard an inner voice talking to me in my thoughts, this is what it said:

“The beauty of experience and the experience of beauty creates longing, desire and attachment. We never want to let go of the beautiful things in life, no matter what they may be. This keeps us imprisoned in a place of attachment. Life and experience is like the sea tides, they come and go according to the cycles of time. Nothing remains and nothing is constant except for the Universe itself, and while we are in a state of attachment, we are in misalignment with the nature of the Universe. Here lies the source of our inner discord.” 

It was such a profound and moving experience that of course instantly changed my life and the way I saw things. In that moment I realized that I had no choice but to let go of the desire and painful yearning to mother a child, I child I felt I wanted and needed to selfishly fulfill me and whatever it was that was missing in my life that made me feel sad, lonely and miserable. I realized I could not be dependant on a situation, circumstance or an outcome to make me happy and that happiness is not a condition, it is a state of mind, of being, it’s a choice and that you just are happy, no matter what is going on in your life.

I knew then that I could never possibly be a good mother to my child if I made that child responsible for my happiness before he or she was even born! I also realized that in order to become who I wanted to be as an individual in life, I would just have to let go of the yearning, longing and need to become a mother. Of course, I still wanted a child, but now it was for completely different reasons. I made my wish, stated my intention and desire to become and mother and left it up to the Universe and the cycles of time to bring that experience to me when I was really and truly ready to be a mother, this time for all the right reasons.

I made a promise to myself to be happy for who I am, for the husband I am blessed to be with and for all the many blessings we share in our life together. I let go of the attachment to the desire and need to have things happen a certain way, and instead just let things be the way they had to be, all the while taking the responsibility of trying to making the effort to at least create the best outcome possible, no matter what that may turn out to be.

It was only 2 weeks later that I discovered I was pregnant with my son and to me, it was a miracle! That day was one the happiest days of my life, and one of the greatest confirmation’s I have ever received in validation of my personal and spiritual growth. I was thrilled and so was my husband of course!

So you see my son really did begin teaching me some of the greatest lessons I have ever learnt before he was even born, this one of ‘attachment’ being one of the most important. Things rarely turn out to be just the way we thought they would and attachment to things, people, outcomes and circumstances really does lead to nothing but misery and despair when things do not follow the course we had anticipated.

Non-attachment doesn’t mean that you have to go through life not caring about anything or anyone, it means that when the time comes to let something or someone that you care about go, you are able to do it with ease, grace, trust and the knowing that this is what was meant for you at this point in the cycles of time and experience. So instead of clutching to something that no longer has a place in your life, you will now have the ability and the freedom to move forward, unburdened and unbound into new, and perhaps even greater experiences than you could have ever imagined!

Do not allow yourself to be a prisoner of the confines of your mind and your limited thoughts, fears and expectations any longer. The Universe really does work in miraculous ways and if only you would allow it, it just might lead you to living a lifetime of experiences beyond your wildest dreams! My son is really a living miracle to me and is the living proof that the Universe, although it may work in mysterious ways, it does work, and it’s intention is to always lead to us toward becoming our highest and greatest self.

As for my shirt, well, it turned out alright in the wash and for that, of course I am pleased, but even if it hadn’t, that would have been okay too. There will always be other shirts that take my fancy, after all the cycles of time and experience have to keep moving and so do we, otherwise we would never change, grow and evolve. 

Be Free!